Wednesday, June 29, 2011

True Friends,...Never Met

"How can you call these people your friends?? They may not even be who they say they are!!" My husband snorts in exasperation. I don't know what HE does online, but I make friends. I have friends in the Philippines, the UK (both England and Scotland), way off in Alberta Canada....and Texas even !! lol. Some of them I've been close to for nearly four years...and others have come along more recently. I collect such friends like pearls on an add-a-pearl necklace. Some I've met through my blogs-commentators-and others through forums (I always wonder if I'm supposed to call that plural , "forii" lol), Some through social venues such as SparkPeople.com or Jango or Facebook....but often our relationship will begin at one site....and then bleed into others and finally into chats. And with some, it has even crossed over into phone conversation...or web cam chat.

Regardless of my husband's opinion of the possibility of such a thing: I KNOW these people. I walk with them through blow-by-blow accounts of their daily lives; hear their commentary on various subjects; struggle with them through their struggles; and even know what they ate all day long and how much they weigh! When you live so intimately with someone for months and years on end, you can say---with some degree of security: I KNOW WHO THEY ARE.
I can predict how they will respond to various remarks by myself or others; I appreciate their individual senses of humor; I know their needs and hardships.

It fascinates me how my life --as is true of most of us--has changed in just the last ten to fifteen years. When I was in college I could never have believed in such a thing. In fact, I recall my incredulousness when I first heard of the odd phenomenon known as "the internet." "You mean I can type a document...and someone in the next state can have it instantly??? There's not even any PAPER that has to exchange hands???" I recall trying with my 20th century mind, to wrap it around this 21st century concept....and failing miserably. When the person went on to tell me that soon it would be in every house and that almost all business would be conducted through it, they left me completely lying in the dust.

It was the same disbelief with which I greeted microwave cooking. Heating? Without HEAT?? And you have to give it more time, to go along with greater mass?? But WHY?? Surely if one cooking time is good for one item, the same time should be good for two! My conventional oven-bound mind could not grasp such an odd thing. And the food gets hot, but the plate doesn't??? How can that be???

But yeah...now my friends, five to one, are mostly from this strange "place"--the internet...Vaporous and mysterious.....it connects me with solid, real personalities, the globe over. My world has simultaneously shrunk and expanded. And my heart has made room for these people whom I most likely will never meet in this lifetime. And that makes me sad.

Already my closest online friend has passed away...almost WHILE TALKING TO ME...as we said our last goodbye, and he collapsed in front of his computer, his brother later finding him unconscious on the floor by his desk. I saved that last conversation. His last words....In printed form in my hands...Kept for any posterity that should care...and mostly kept so that when sadness grips my heart at the loss of him, I can pull it out and read it once more. Rest in Peace, David, My Friend. And this loss, I have mourned as intensely as any other death....although I could not attend the funeral. I knew intimately every person who attended, having heard descriptions of each relative and tales of their personalities and interactions with my friend...I was there in spirit friend. And I still think sadly of you every single day.

YOU just don't get intimacy with people in your "real" world like this.
With the people in my tangible world, we meet and greet at church,and they get into their car and drive to their home, shut the door behind them....and the rest of their life is a mystery to me. They may be wife beaters for all I know...or engage in some secretive illegal behavior...and I would not know. There is no security in tangibility or in personal knowledge.

However, my online friends write their thoughts....their struggles and we celebrate each other's victories....It is MUCH harder to hide here. True, predators can lurk and nab innocent children and teens behind false personae. However, i know for a fact, that my friends are who they say they are. I have their whole lives spread out in their photos, their opinions on every topic and their night time quiet tears....all here on my monitor. A person would have to be a genius of the Stephen King variety to invent such an elaborate ruse....And what for??? It's not like I'm planning on leaving them my extensive fortune at my passing! it's not like I'm planning on leaving my husband to run away with any of them!

But what a marvelous moment it will be in God's Kingdom, after this life is over, to have someone walk up to me. Someone that I will immediately know....And I get the first opportunity to hold these sisters and brothers from foreign lands in my arms. I know that in that moment, many tears will fall. Tears of joy.

Thank you David Gates. For as little as I may think of you in some regards, you have given us all an inestimable gift. The gift of company on a zillion sleepless nights. The gift of friendship.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Pickles and Giggles

So. It has been almost a whole week since I last posted (my apologies for the long silence)....I've been sick with a bad flare of my arthritic disease and haven't been able to think of anything --let alone anything humorous for days --other than pain. My hands right now look like beach balls bouncing around on the keyboard...and the number of typos I'm making is certainly not humorous -Not to me anyway. This flare came on complete with fever and chills and pain in every single joint in my body..So no, this house hadn't been full of giggles for a while.

My problem right now, in shifting gears, is that I was just chatting online with a friend in Texas, and at first we were doing what we do best: making each other pee our pants in laughter. Some people just bring out the "funny" in me. And this woman does that better than anyone else. I am sure that we were cut from the same cookie cutter when God put us together. And she is as much an odd cookie as I am (although we won't tell her that- our secret; because I can't think of many people who would like to be cut from the same fabric as I. And yeah, I know I'm mixing metaphors. It's MY blog...)

But at the end of our chat, we began by talking about the severe drought she is facing in Texas, it not having rained for five months there....and then our talk wandered to gardens, buying extra freezers, generators, and the seemingly inevitable crash of the US economy and the fall of the almighty dollar. So you can see, from the train of thought we were riding, that our talk ended on a more sombre note. So , shake it off, Cynthia....!

But in our conversation we talked about how easy it is for us to be funny together...the jokes just kept flowing in our own dry style which just really tickled the other conversant. And I mentioned to her how hard it is to be funny with some people (who shall remain nameless-in the cause of maintaining the friendships of several humorless people I know.) People who take themselves too seriously and can't laugh at themselves worry me. And should probably scare me. But instead it brings out the devil in me. Because you see: I take it as a divine mission to get them laughing. And it is hard work in the case of some folks. Especially the more pickled amongst my church friends. And why is it that these people are usually amongst the more mature amongst us?? Does our sense of humor burn out, somewhere along the line? Is it just inevitable that the pain and sorrow of life just really eventually kills our ability to laugh?? But no, that theory falls flat on its face when I look at my lovely friend, Esther.

Esther has had the hardest life of anyone I've ever met. She faced starvation as a child in Nazi Germany and escaped to South America where she lived...and married a harsh and difficult drill sergeant of a man. She has had incredible health challenges all of her life...A cellular disease which prevents her from healing; a life long infection picked up in S. America which occasionally flares up leaving her with painful sores on her, which do NOT heal due to the other illness. A fractured hip which required replacement; and many other complications have plagued her life like a blight of flies about her head. YET: Esther has the best sense of humor of anyone I ever met. She loves to laugh. And she says things like "When people tell me that I'm not healed because I lack faith, I just want to kick them!" and the image of this diminutive 4' foot something woman hauling off and kicking someone leaves me on the floor laughing.

Esther right now is in the hospital following her second leg amputation in recent days.

Sigh.
If anything could dampen a sense of humor, it's that--that and the months of agonizing pain she's just come through. And you would think it had. I thought it had in the many phone conversations with this sweet friend where she cried out her doubts and fears....and discouragement. But you know what? The devil himself can't keep this woman down. The last I talked to her; her laughter rained on my ears like the refreshment my other friend seeks from the reluctant rain.

Esther is back.

Legless. and Home-bound. But her prayers are not home-bound. They rain down on God's people and God's work, nourishing us and it like a beautiful spring rain, encouraging us and bringing it to fruition. I think, personally, that it is Esther's wonderful sense of humor that I like the best about her. That and her faith. And it flies in the face of the pickle pusses which have haunted the church for generations. When God saves and sanctifies us; he does not quarantine our sense of humor! NO! He releases it to shower the rest of his people like the summer rain, so badly needed in Texas.

I need to grasp that tightly when my body swells up like a toad and hurts like the dickens. Even my friend Esther's laughter was stifled in days of pain. But we can't let it kill our humor completely. Put it in a safe place; and at the first sign of relief, bring it out and put it on with JOY...because it is a gift.

Just like the rain.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

A 160 Pound Tadpole

....So I shared recently with a friend, my desire to learn to really swim this summer. You see I "kinda" swim....I can stay afloat and get from point A to point B (provided it's not more than ten feet away lol) but I don't do it with any kind of grace....NOR do I get my face wet. lol. You see, I never had any real opportunity to learn, nor to go into a pool or lake very often, as my childhood was firmly landlocked in Hackensack, NJ. There, in that city environment, I was an expert bike rider and could run and do cartwheels with the best of 'em.... But when I got to Camp Spofford for my first time...I stared at the lake in awe...and promised myself, "I'm NOT going in THERE!"

But yeah, swimming lessons were on the docket as part of every camper's schedule...and I found myself standing in chest high water about thirty feet from the life guard, having just watched his demonstration and was told, "Come on, try it! Swim to me!" So I told Jesus I'd be there to see Him momentarily as I plunged into the water with enormous amounts of reluctance.

I splashed a lot...and I traveled...but I had this "secret" I REALLY was walking with my feet on that rocky bottom and "swimming" with my arms! I have to laugh now as an adult at the stupidity of mine not to realize I was fooling NO one. And I give kudos to that gracious lifeguard for not laughing aloud.

He
didn't laugh. And I didn't pass the test necessary in order to go beyond the yellow floating line which divided the shallow water from the deep. As I stared out over the water, I saw "The Island" out in the lake...where only the best swimmers could reach...and I wanted to go there badly...but NOT badly enough to stick my face in that water!

So you see other than that one week at camp, the rest of my year I traveled with my feet firmly on dry , HOT pavement and at that age, all I felt was relief that no one was forcing me to swim or to learn to. However, now, as an adult, I recognize that swimming is one of the best cardio workouts that exist. And it is completely non-impact...the work which the swimmer does, being masked by the buoyancy of the water, enabling them to work their body hard, and not to feel like they are working at all.

So several weeks ago, as I penned a list of goals for myself this summer, on that list I wrote firmly; determinedly; "LEARN TO SWIM." I shared somewhat with some abashment, this goal with my 19 year old daughter and was surprised when she didn't laugh, but rather said, "Mom, I think that is so cool that you want to swim at your age." I didn't even get offended at those last three innocuous words...because the compliment was heartfelt and sincere. The fact that my daughter thinks I'm cool for wanting to swim further cemented my desire into determination.

I looked around for swimming lessons. The tadpoles...was the name of a swimming class. However, I don't know of any 160 pound tadpoles...so really didn't think a 48 year old novice swimmer would be very welcome. Finally after striking out completely in my own searches, I was speaking to a friend...and I confessed to her my desire. She said, "Oh, I think there is someone who gives lessons in my community." And I was completely surprised when Anna called several days later with the details about how she would drive me and accompany me every Friday to the pool where the woman had agreed to allow me to attend the lessons.

So . Okay.
Tomorrow is FRiday. The first Friday of the 30 weeks of classes.
I haven't heard anything more from Anna.
And I'm scared to call her.

For one thing it is only about 45 degrees at night and between 65-80 during the days. That water is going to be COLD. And arthritis and cold water do NOT make good bedfellows. Also, I confess to having last minute ---ummm, shall we say, "hesitations"....no, I think "TERROR" is more fitting. Because you see, if I walk my way across the pool--arms thrashing--I'm sure it will be a subject of great hilarity in the 500 or so people who will be watching...and my ego has grown considerably more tender than it was at the age of 10. I'm not at all sure that this asthmatic, post bilateral hip surgery, arthritic woman is even capable of getting afloat, never mind swimming laps...which is my ultimate goal.

But I promised Anna I would try. And I will....

Assuming she calls or show up on my doorstep.
But am I going to call to nudge her??
Doubtful.

Friday, June 10, 2011

The FirstFruits


"PURSUED" - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 2011

'Self Portrait' - All Rights Reserved 2011


The Garden Steps.- All Rights Reserved. 2011


How is it that a device exists...and is not priced out of possible reach....that could restore to me the ability to paint and to draw ---and I didn't know about it! How long has this been the case....when I've been suffering and mourning the loss of my art career and the loss of the creative release of painting....and I didn't have to suffer all this time!

But that's water under the bridge. The good news is that, due to a friend's coaching (thanks Sean!) and due to the gift of another friend, I was enabled me to make the purchase....And now, for two or three days, I've been painting and drawing my head off....I know that I haven't even GUESSED at all the possibilities this pad offers me. The ideas seem endless...and most of them are way beyond my ability to pull off technically...but I've got nothing but time...

So, enough talk: here are the "first fruits" of my efforts:

Happy in Carolina - All Rights Reserved, 2011

Bowl of Sunshine - All Rights Reserved , 2011

Monday, June 6, 2011

Can-Does-Will God Heal??

I am listening to one of my favorite songs right now as I write this. Its called "Healer" and it's sung by Kari Jobe. Healing for me is a REALLY sticky issue and one that I hesitate to tackle, because it is also a daunting one to take on--for anyone.

Do I believe that God heals people? Yes I absolutely do. Do I believe that He does - or should - heal EVERYONE who is sick? No, I do not. I've said it before, and like a stuck record, I'll say it again. God has his purposes which are often (maybe much or all of the time) beyond our ability to grasp or comprehend. HE IS GOD AND I AM NOT!! So who do I think that I am, telling God that He MUST heal me or someone else for whom I am praying ? The only way He would be compelled to do that is if He had somewhere promised it. And I am not convinced that any Scripture clearly conveys that promise. Now God is always very clear about what he promises...in fact, he repeats them over and over in multiple arrangements of words-all very clear- as to what it is he is promising. If God were going to grant the world, or even just his people, the right to blanket health...he would NOT leave us any room for doubt. I mean, that would be a major promise, Right? That is one reason I do not believe it.

Second reason is this: how many times have you been sick in your life? Do you know anyone, even any believers who have asked God for healing , but have not received it? Are there many billions of sick and dying people in this world? God is a big and strong God. If he promised us something like guaranteed health then certainly he is able to carry out that promise! And I just don't see it happening too often. And it is not because people have not prayed for health! I myself have fervently interceded for some people to be healed...and they are either still sick or they have died. Did God not hear those prayers? Did He ignore them? WAs he unable or too weak to carry out his "promise"?

Third reason: We are not promised eternal life on this earth are we? No, we are promised in fact, that "ALL MEN DIE ONCE..." Neither do I see many people like Elisha being taken to Heaven in a flaming chariot. So here's my question put rather crudely: How do you suppose that God plans to get rid of all these people to whom he has indeed promised death?? They don't live a life of health and then evaporate!

NO, I believe that since the Fall of Adam and Eve, mankind has been under the curse of sickness and death. And Jesus,when he came, showed that He was strong enough and able to BREAK that power of the curse, by healing people! It was a foreshadowing on the physical level,of what he intended to - and in fact did- which was to break the spiritual curse of death once and for all... It was a display of his Deity and supernatural power and it was also a method of publicity for his cause. Face it. If Jesus just came and walked around telling people he was God but had no evidence for it...do you think that the birth of a new generation and covenant of faith would have borne such force -? Force enough to propel it into the 21st century? No, healing some people is God's manner in which he displays his love and his ability and desire to grant us LIFE;....life that -in the future- will be free from the effects of Adam's curse once and for all.

So that is the philosophical and theological reasoning behind my position. And when people tell me to "rebuke the demon or the enemy who is causing your illness" or "if you have enough faith, you WILL be healed," or "God has PROMISED you healing" I frankly (and rudely) want to kick them ...(as I told to an elderly woman with whom I share friendship and very poor health recently much to her giggling delight.) How much needless suffering has been added to the burdens of already struggling and suffering sick people by these kinds of incorrect and insensitive remarks!! When you cause someone who is ill; who obviously has begged God to heal them; who believes that He can do so, with all their hearts; and who has been subjected to the TORTURE of rising then waning hope time after time of annointing laying on of hands and intercession for their healing...to doubt themselves, to question their faith...and ultimately TO QUESTION THEIR GOD because they believe that he's broken a promise to them; then friend, I believe you are committing a very grave sin. God said hat "a bruised reed I will not break and a smouldering wick I will not put out"...Jesus berated the Pharisees for their "adding to the burdens of the already bowed down." ...What makes you think it's all right for you to do it and get away with it?? YOUR WORDS ULTIMATELY CAUSE PAIN AND DESPAIR BECAUSE YOU ARE DRAWING ON A PROMISE THAT GOD NEVER MADE...AND IN SO DOING YOU ARE MAKING GOD LOOK LIKE A PROMISE BREAKER.

OK, that's enough of my rant.

I'm just sick of being told that I'm demon oppressed because I'm mentally ill.
I'm sick of being told that the asthma, spinal degeneration and rheumatoid arthritis will leave my body if I just prayed or had enough faith.

And it makes me feel really terrible to believe that what is happening to me is the power of Satan in my life! I really struggled horribly for years with these things. And with my own self doubt and questioning of my faith...and of God!

I would so much rather believe that, "Yes, basically, this sucks. But God is in it. He's behind it and under it and around it...and nothing can or will happen to me that he does not allow. And because HE IS A GOOD AND LOVING GOD NOTHING CAN TOUCH ME THAT WILL NOT ULTIMATELY RESULT IN MY BENEFIT...." That kind of thinking builds rather than destroys my faith. It makes me secure and safe in God's arms. And it does not remove the prerogative of God to heal me! Yes! God heals some people. Why? Jesus answered that when the disciples questioned the reason for a man's illness, "That the glory of God might be manifested in him" in that situation and in that illness. And you know what? That answer applies to the illness of EVERY BELIEVER WHO IS SICK...whether they are healed or not. Do NOT remove the right of God to display his glory in any manner that he should see fit! He is God and we are Not!

Friday, June 3, 2011

the Workout Woes

I hurt every day. But today I HURT. Like every muscle, every joint , every bone, even my skin: HURTS. And so I got myself together, did my breathing treatment on the nebulizer (without which I wouldn't make it 5 minutes into the warm up), and trotted....okay hobbled...downstairs to my gym/other bedroom. Usually when I wake in the morning, I have a PLAN; I know exactly of what my workout will be comprised. But today I was torn. Yesterday I had a shortened workout, having only done Leslie Sansone's "Walking off the Pounds" 1 miler. Which is like a snort type of thing to me. I was doing the 4 mile, 1 hour long workout, right before my last two hip surgeries...without hardly a gasp. But now...after being close to bedridden all winter, the most I'd done was the 2 miler...and that was a bit of a struggle although feasible enough to have done it twice. But yesterday my goals were big: one mile of Leslie while holding 3 pound weights.... and then a longer strength workout.

Dumb idea.
I mean it was a good PLAN....but just a dumb idea.

Because I had no idea how much of a difference those weights would make. And CRAP ! they made a BIG difference. An "if-I-don't- put-these-down-right-now-I"m-gonna-die" difference. But I did it ...I endured the mile and then was WIPED. I didn't do any more strength training .,..In fact because my new blood pressure medicine was making me feel so sick, I went to bed...and slept all day. Wonder how many dream -calories I burned?

But I'll tell you, Judging by the litter of food containers and wrapppers in my room this morning, I ate WAY more calories than I burned. Don't you hate it when you eat in your sleep and don't even have the pleasure of the memory???

OH. You don't do that.

OK. so I'm weird, that fact has already been established....I believe, at birth.

So back to today. Feeling awful in terms of my body image. Where as yesterday things in the mirror were fairly acceptable to day, that old anorexic voice from my youth (and every day in between then and now) kept saying 'Oh , how GROSS!": every time a mirror was in sight. I tried not to do it....but I had to weigh myself....and that was the low point of my morning. Somehow (probably from the midnight gorge) I'd put on something like four pounds more than yesterday.

In all fairness and honesty - to myself. I have to say that it is likely that the weight gain is water weight...considering my husband had been serving up 20 GRAMS of sodium to me daily for the past month. (he didn't realize that the new bottle of sodium was FIVE times the strength of the former ones---or so he said ;) ) So I was holding in gallons of fluid... my blood pressure had risen to around 200/100 for the past several weeks....And I was sporting a HEADBANGER's headache, that's for sure. It's lovely to sit and just WAIT FOR YOURSELF TO STROKE OUT. You know it's coming...The engines are firing under that rocket....Lift off will be at ANY moment now....and my head will blow right off it's shoulders. But thus far, it hasn't happened. I got new medicine yesterday.. Medicine that made my head swim and made my skin crawl and me short of breath. don't think this will be going on for any longer...I cannot tolerate that feeling: anxiety. I have enough misery to deal with in my life...ain't no stupid little pill gonna make it any worse.

So , that's it...AFter my weak effort at strength training today, I made a huge blunder. I Have a chair yoga video...and that sounded soothing and nice, so I put it on and perched in front of the TV and watched as an OLD LADY (at least 65) with long flowing gray hair, and a body I would have liked to own at age 20, contorted herself into pretzel shapes....and suggested that I do the same.

Hmmm

I did fine with the exercises until we got to the legs and hips. And I was APPALLED to find out how little, I mean REALLY LITTLE my right leg and hip would do. The joint is practically frozen into position. And it hurts like HECK. So then the inner castigation began again....*grumble grumble you're gonna let an old granny look and move better than you??? She's got thirty years on you....and probably weighs that many less pounds....LOOK at her move, would you??? What's your PROBLEM???? And how come you didn't realize how pathetic you are until this moment?? Everyone ELSE knew." and on and on.

You know how it goes.

OH.
You don't hear voices in your head?

Ok , I'll shut up now....

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Welcome to the New "Midnight Muse!"

Yes, last night was a particularly long night...I only got a total of one hour of sleep, (in two 30 minute installments) ...So I looked at the old Midnight Muse and thought, "I really should put a new picture in the background here,..I mean, after all, I don' t even live in Chicago! And well....I couldn't find a picture I wanted to use,...except for one and that one belonged to someone...So one thing led to another and, as you see, it got a whole new look.

Just in case you 're curious about the background on this new look to Midnight....It is a detail of a painting I did...WAY back in my years as a fine artist....It was paper which I'd soaked in metal paints and enamel powders prior to painting on it. So I took a small detail of it and liked the way it looked when tiled into the background of "Midnight". The photo of the moon is one that I took of the Perigee Moon recently. (also called the "super moon"). And the other random pictures are ones that I've taken on my travels...To see these and others, you may visit my Flickr Page at: http://www.flickr.com/photos/58847132@N06/

I hope you have as much fun looking at the design and reading the posts on this blog as much as I have enjoyed making it. If you have any feedback for me on the new design or otherwise, please leave a comment. Thanks.