Monday, July 25, 2011

Puddles and Stroopwaffle

Recently I joined BlogFrog (have yet to put the button for that 0n this blog...NOTE to self: DO It!) and wow, has that kept me busy! For me, up til now, blogging has been a leisure activity...Something I just do because it gives me a sense (and if this isn't true: keep it to yourself) that my limited life has some meaning. And it still gives me that sense except that suddenly I'm a very small frog in a BIG puddle! (Ok: pond. Or maybe: lake....Ummm frogs don't swim in the ocean, do they??)

I mean these are HUGE blogs (some of them) where it's become a JOB and lifestyle for the owner/writers of them. They travel, sign autographs, write books, have their pictures taken everywhere....(Ok, maybe I'm confusing them with Reese Witherspoon, but you get my point!) And here I am, sitting in this 8'x10' bedroom where I spend 98.9% of my time, Sleepless in M'ford yet once again. (Actually I got 5 hours of sleep tonight: a stellar night!), tapping on my laptop, yet another rather pointless blog post....but feeling kind of like I'm talking to YOU tonight...and if there are more than one of you reading this post, sorry , you'll have to wait in the hall ...because my room has exactly room for me and ONE OTHER PERSON.....

Anyway...what is the point of all this??? (You're looking at your watch tapping your toes and saying 'Get on with it, I have an important cup of latte with my name on it, waiting)...
The Point.
Well, excuse me while I take a moment to consider how I'm going to neatly tie this up and how I can make some kind of sensible moral or erudite thought to leave with you....(while you all scramble for the dictionary to look up "erudite", I'll just think.............thinking....................still thinking.......)

I was thinking that I could say something trite and a bit foolish like, "Life is what you make of it"....which in all cases, is true. However when your life is limited by illness or pain, this takes on a particular significance. There is a young lady I follow on Twitter who has a rare disease called: Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (or M.E.)...Her Twitter profile says this about her:
25. Poet. Bedbound, unable 2 sit up/talk. Love athletics+swimming+BrentfordFC, TV+films, SciFi+Fantasy, Uni Challenge, Medicine, acting, Greek+Latin, wildlife

Sounds like a fairly full life right? NOT an active life: just a full one. Here are her own words describing herself:

"What I can say is that I’m very very glad that I exist! However, I have a worse quality of life and suffer far more significantly than most people who commit suicide or who go to Dignitas.* My condition is constantly deteriorating and every day there is the threat that I might die. Every day I don’t know if this will be the day that one of my organs might finally completely fail. Would others consider that my life is not worth living? I’m bed-bound, unable to sit up, unable to speak; a nurse bedbaths me, someone has to hold a straw to my mouth for me to drink my liquid food. My current condition is unbearable. The severe symptoms, 24/7 physical distress and agony is intolerable. And yet, I’m still alive. I see the minutes moving by on my clock and I’m still here. My will to live, to survive, has never been stronger."
[This was written over a long period of time, sentence by sentence, on Jenny's iPod]
*"Dignitas" is an organization which promotes and participates in "Assisted Dying" or Euthenasia.


Jenny's life by anyone's standard is a life of hell...yet she has managed to infuse meaning into it by her writing...of her thoughts on her mom's blog...by her lively, albeit rare, comments on Twitter which reveal an active, life-loving spirit; by her poetry (of which she has published a book available for purchase - see the end of this blog). I have been touched by her life...me, lying on my own bed, thousands of miles away from this young lady who never leaves her room...

And I so much wish I could tell her that there is a God; I know Him, hear him regularly speak to me...have seen him do wondrous things...and he loves her deeply and so passionately, that in fact, he died for her....and now lives, having conquered the death that she so deeply fears...and that if she can believe in this and accept it, then even if she walks through the door of physical death, her spirit will live in a new, glorified body...One untouched by sickness...And that I'll be there either before or after her arrival and will be glad to roller blade with her or to go running down some "golden"streets.

So LIVE your life, no matter what your circumstance, how limited a span of contact you have; Now with the internet, NO ONE need live and die in isolation. I praise God for this gift which has enabled me to chat with you tonight...here in this small puddle we are sharing!
Love you Jenny! Thanks for showing me that any life, anywhere, anytime has meaning if you grant it that chance. When I was sick and suicidal in those dark years following college...I thought my life was meaningless and awful. Then I was thin, beautiful, and healthy. And I was completely hopeless and hated life. Now I'm a "few" pounds heavier, not healthy by any stretch of the imagination, and I'm so so grateful to God for rescuing me from death, not once but NUMEROUS times both despite sickness and my own hand.

LIVE and Learn. and I would add: LOVE.

{To buy Jenny's book, go to : http://www.jkrowbory.co.uk/}

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Infamous Black Bean Brownies.

So you say you'll never touch brownies made of black beans...? Just wait til you take your first curious bite...If you're anything like me: the entire pan will follow! And you can just tell yourself, "they are pure protein.."Because they really ARE!

So here they are, the subject of much discussion - and much eating of words....:

1 (15.5oz) can of black beans , rinsed and drained

3 eggs

3 Tbsp vegetable oil

1/4 cup cocoa powder (organic tastes better)

1 pinch salt

1 tsp baking powder

1 tsp vanilla extract

3/4 cup white sugar (I used beet sugar)

1 tsp. instant coffee

1/2 cup milk chocolate chips (optional) And or chopped pecans.

1) Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (170 degrees C)...lightly grease an 8"x8" baking dish.

2) Combine all the ingredients but the chocolate chips in a blender. Blend until really smooth; pour the mixture into the prepared baking dish and sprinkle with chocolate chips (I personally think that mini dark chips would be much better) or pecans.

3) Bake in the preheated oven until the top is dry and the edges start to pull away from the sides of the pan...about 30 minutes.

4) Cool on a rack and then cut.

5) I found these are immensely more enjoyable refrigerated. A Cross between brownies chocolate fudge.

Enjoy them...want to or not!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Man vs. Creature

There are winged creatures on my ceiling.

At first shudder I thought we’d been invaded by roaches (didn’t see the wings immediately) but as I look, with poor eyesight, more intently…I have come to the conclusion that:

THEY’RE BACK.

We had them last year, resolutely, persistently, busily scurrying through our home in the mountains of NE Pennsylvania: Carpenter Ants. My husband tried everything – then researched it (lol) online and found what seemed to be, by consensus, the most effective cure.: POISON. So we made the trip (One hour long) to the second closest Walmart to us (he’d also checked online to see who had it available and at what stores) and picked up the touted substance…in three forms….(“MORE IS BETTER!” -Hey, he’s a man.) And Then he went to work spreading it all over our house to the degree that I was really glad I’m done bearing children.

Anyway, it worked. How could it not? Those ants were toast from the moment he’d logged on to his computer.

So given his industry and zeal last year, It’s a tad surprising that this year when I told him I’d seen a few…he didn’t leap right into action…Just muttered something about “gotta go back to H—dale to get some more of that stuff…”

And that was the last mention of it.

So now. they are here, molting and lying comatose as they recover from the effort on my ceiling. And you know what this means don’t you? It means that this is ONLY the beginning! Soon, very soon, there will be scads of them.

You see, the ants will win this war because they possess two qualities in abundance that, at least in this particular situation, my husband did not: They are hard workers, and they are persistent. I’m sure that our house has a reputation amongst ant colonies as a type of Auschwitz… The place where they were all but annihilated. And for them to come back this year demonstrates what? (NO, not stupidity) Tenacity. Persistence. You see the ants own this mountain…and we moved here with our tasty redwood house and they said…

“Dessert!!”

They will not give up.

WE will kill. They will return. And so forth. and so on.

Until our house is a rubble of chewed wood…and we are old and gray. (which is not so many years from now.)

The only way to overcome such persistence and such effort is to match it with GREATER persistence and GREATER effort.

………….And a healthy dose of foresight wouldn’t have hurt.

The point of all of this?

Why, to Plan Ahead. Work hard. and Be Persistent. Never say “die”–(unless you’re talking to carpenter ants.)

And YOU, too, will eventually have lots of tasty redwood to chew on…for many years to come.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Announcing: New RSS Feed!

For those of you who would like to subscribe to this blog via RSS, I now offer that capability.
Just click on "Subscribe Now" toward the top right sidebar and you're in! thanks for your interest and support of my blog,
Blessings!
Cynthia

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Unbroken and Free

I'm currently reading a book entitled "Unbroken" by Laura Hillenbrand. It's an amazing tale of the life of Louie Zamparini....a world record breaking Olympian runner who became a WWII bombardier, on the infamous B12 and B13 bomber planes that flew over Japanese-held territories and wreaked much damage there. He eventually was in a crash when his plane went down, having suffered severe damage due to being shot at by the enemy. The plane crashed into the middle of the Pacific Ocean and only three men lived; only two, to tell the tale. They drifted aboard a raft in shark infested waters for some 2000 miles for a record breaking length of time for men to have survived such things. Eventually they were shot into the water and then taken captive by the Japanese, the book then goes on in horrible detail to describe the unimaginable conditions the men as POW's lived through as well as the unspeakable cruelty of and violence inflicted by their captors.

As the book went on for hundreds of pages describing the mental and physical torture these men endured, several things occurred to me:

1) is the unbelievable tenacity and bravery of the human spirit which these prisoners demonstrated to us all. Makes me think that I should never complain about my pain or discomfort again! And neither should I feel deprived in any way by any financial strictures I may have. These men had NOTHING....except their dignity ...and a sense of humor.

2) Humor?? Yes. it is one of most powerful forces that kept these men alive. The ability to pull practical "jokes" on their captors and to mock them among themselves and to their faces in an language the jailors did not understand was one of the few things that kept the morale of these men up to a degree that they did not all lose their minds , give up hope or commit suicide.

And I think, in any instance of suffering we need the very same things : tenacity and humor. We need the ability to stick with it, day after day, week after week, year after year if need be until God's Children look up and see that big cloud - which in this case will part instead of mushroom- and they know "the war is OVER." And if we can keep laughing...at ourselves, largely ...and maintain the ability to laugh then this is a great boost to our spirit and to those of the people around us.

And a 3rd thing occurred to me perhaps which is an aside: GRATITUDE for these men and for those who died in the attempt to maintain our freedom. I've never thought much about Veteran's Day before...and never understood what kind of scars, mental and physical, these men bear as they return stateside; what horrific memories they have and the nights of nightmares reliving the horror of those years. I think that it is pride that saves them...National Pride. Pride in the Freedom which is the trademark of this country, the USA. As Ms. Hillenbrand described the emotions and the celebration that the POW's experienced as the liberating B24's carried and dropped supplies and food to them after years of starvation and captivity....my heart swelled with pride for these heroes and for this country which produced them and others like them. As I read of the sense of well-being and forgiveness that the POW's showed to their captors after being freed, providing them with food and courtesy....I was awed. And Proud. It is typical of an American to respond with such a humane and yes, loving, manner to those who had brutally broken them in every conceivable way...but who could NOT break their spirits or their commitment to this great country.

To those among us who mock the USA...the snakes within her bosom...who are ignorant of the morals and the morale of these heroes; who disparage the foundation of faith upon which this great country is built; who try to defame and belittle the founders of this country and their faith...I would say: "You should be ashamed. Read this book. Compare the differences in the behavior of the captors and the captives...and know that pretty much across the board, this comparison will hold; that NO other culture is built upon such a humane and solid foundation of beliefs and behavior as are those in the USA.

Do you recall the feelings that swelled in your heart as you watched the Towers fall ...the tears that fell; the outrage for our nation - which was attacked without provocation? The feeling you got as you watched those firemen erect the tall wonderful image of the Stars and Stripes upon that crumbled heap of refuse ? The Pride.? The urge to Salute??"

I felt that same sense when in church on the Fourth of July, we stood --all of us--with our hands on our chests and recited the Pledge of Allegiance. I had not spoken those words for many years and I struggled not to cry as I did. These men; these heroes of war understood that pride. They understood the morality and faith that underlay their efforts to maintain freedom for us. And I pray sincerely that the US forces now understand that same thing. That they can fight with the determination and nobility of these men in Hillenbrand's book....that their suffering overseas should NOT lead them to sociopathic or psychopathic behavior...but that they will sit, in a free country at ripe old ages, with their grandchildren at their knees and tell them tales of bravery and survival with pride and not of shame.

This year I will be celebrating Veterans' Day...with more commitment than merely purchasing a red silk poppy ...I will be celebrating with enthusiasm and looking for ways to honor those who fell and those who fought for MY freedom.

God Bless America.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

An Infestation of ANTs!

Today I published a blog on another site describing my past couple of days....and as I read it over, it sort of left a bad taste in my mouth. One of the first comments I received on it asked if maybe the reader had actually authored the blog...for she recognized a tendency in it, that she evidently struggles with. She called them "ANTs" (Automatic negative thoughts.) The blog had focused on all the mistakes of the past couple of days; was full of expectations that others would respond and act in the most negative manner possible; focused on failures rather than successes....and yada yada, ad infinitum.

I was just finishing up reading "The Forgotten God" today (by Francis Chan...get it! read it! ) which we had spent the last some weeks discussing in my home Bible Study which meets on Wednesday nights....and found myself to be profoundly moved and yes, disturbed by a question which Chan asked which was this: "Would you say that your life is characterized by a supernatural abundance, that exceeds normal human effort, of the Fruit of the Spirit?" (love, joy peace, gentleness, patience, self control.) Am I more joyful than the most positive person with out the Lord? Am I more gentle than the most compassionate person motivated by human sympathy alone? Do I show more self control than an ascetic Buddist monk ? More peace than any yoga and meditation practitioner? More love than the best mom in the world? More patience than any psychiatrist? (LOL)

I would have to have serious reservations about my answers to those questions.
Actually I have an infestation of ANTs.
Actually, when I get frustrated or have small accidents, unspeakable words fly from my mouth.
Actually, I have real trouble loving some people...and my actions and words are FAR from always being motivated by love.
Actually, I have gained 15 pounds back this winter and am really struggling with my goals to live a healthy, disciplined life.
Actually, my words are often harsh and condemning.

Would someone looking at me say (as Chan suggested should be the case, ) "The Lord HE is God, blessed be his Name!"

Nope.

I got a card this week. It was from a friend in my church who was observing me worshiping on Sunday; coming to church despite pain and difficulty. And she called me (get this) "A woman of God'!! Instead of blushing with gratitude to God for the truth of this statement, I blushed with shame. Because the truth is far from what she sees on Sunday. I've read this card over and over this week. And God has really shown me some of the dirt in my heart and life as a result.

And Chan's book has compelled me today to ask some hard questions of myself....and to look at myself in the manner which God sees me. And at first that perspective was one of conviction that some major confession and turning around are in order; and the second conviction that this look from "God's eyes" brought, was one of the incredible love and patience of God. That he has NOT EVEN YET given up on me. And that he still loves me with the love that brought him to earth...and to the cross to accomplish that rescue mission he was on...and is still on. He will not rest until he has completely and fully "converted me"...from a child bent on destruction....to someone who has been transformed by being around him.

So I closed my Kindle cover, and picked myself up and went down to my room downstairs where I had once spent many long hours in prayer...away from the hearing of my family. (yes, I pray out loud, even when it's just God and me)...and God and I had a long long talk. I took care of a bunch of dirty laundry that had been piling up in my character....

And now what??

I intend, and will, with the strength and mighty power that he shares with me, live a different kind of life. And I hope with all my heart, that those around me will not only hear my words, not only see a smiling face on Sunday....but will see a profound change in me. I want them to see GOD...not me....when they look at me. And when they interact with me, I want them to walk away saying, "The Lord, HE is God!"

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

A Tale of Two Tales

I know, once a week or so is not frequent enough to post on a blog....However I currently am maintaining four blogs so even once a week is a fairly tall order!

I've been also reading several books (yes; simultaneously)...it's easy to do that on the Kindle. If you get to a spot where the hero is about to plunge into a seriously scary adventure that may well kill him...and you don't want to read that, then push a button, and bingo: you're in a different story altogether! I recently did that with Laura Hildebrand's book, "Unbroken"....this is one nail-biting account. It is about a world class runner who became a bombardier in a B-12 airplane in World War II's struggle against Japan. There comes a point in the story in the chapter entitled, "No one will Survive This!" where the plane crashes into the Pacific Ocean and he and two other men must survive in shark infested water on a life raft, without water or food, until they float far enough to land on an island occupied by the Japanese where they are taken as Prisoners of War. (and you can find this out from reading the book jacket so I'm not letting any cats out of any proverbial bags!) ...But knowing in advance that all this would happen, when I got to the above mentioned chapter...I had to put the book down. He'd already survived impossible situations against every odd...I didn't want him to have to go through this too....NOR did I want him to take me into it with him either! (okay, I'm officially a wuss).

So I pushed the handy dandy "Home" button on my Kindle to be taken to my library listing so I could spend some time in the woods on the Appalachian Trail with Bill Bryson...Facing bears and mosquitoes seemed like nothing after reading "Unbroken"! But the problem was: I finished that book relatively soon...so was forced to return to "Unbroken" to pick up that narrative in then tense spot where I'd left off.

So I survived the crash and the life raft...now am in a hopeless and frightening situation in the POW camp and am struggling not to look for something else to read. It is not that I don't like the book! I love it! It's one of the best books I've read....but it's terrifying...and I guess I'm just a softie; I don't like to see anyone suffer and die. But finish it I will, then off to Amazon to look for the next download - and I have no idea what type of book I want to read! Decisions! Choices! Help! (for the chronically conflicted and ambivalent, among you; you'll know what I mean by this quandary. I do think it's time to visit a nice big bookstore though. Not to buy books!! To window shop...and then slink home to Amazon and buy it from them.

Now I do realize that this is what is putting large and small bookstores right off the map. (See Borders for example). Because I"m a die hard bibliophile and because there is NOTHING better than spending an afternoon in a bookstore, sipping an iced coffee whilst you sample their wares....and it would be a crying shame to lose every one of them; I do still buy books. For example, I recently purchased "Unbroken" and "A Walk in the Woods" for my father who is to this point, Kindle-less and who devours books also. As does my daughter. In fact I, who used to read over 600 pages a day--until I became ill with schizophrenia and could no longer assimilate what the heck the book was about--am now the least frequent reader of all. (with the exception of my husband , who, however, has recently become a collector of the Dirk Pitt series by Clive Cussler, and is now working his way through them.) So I durst say that our family alone has kept Borders in business for as long as it was.

My biggest problem in reading nowadays is the brain damage I have suffered at the hands of a procedure called ECT...electro convulsive therapy. Yep. Shock treatments. These have quite effectively made me a child of the moment. No worry about me living in the past...because i do not recall 99% of the past three or four years...And if you tell me something today...or even if I do something exciting and remarkable today---I will not recall it tomorrow...and maybe not even five minutes later. But that is a wholly other story, which I will save for another time...and possibly another place.

But do the world a favor...Go out to a bookstore (NOT AMAZON.COM) and purchase a book or three. You might start with the two I've mentioned here. You very well could be saving an American institution.